In two weeks period, Justin Bieber will take a paternity test with the hope of proving he’s not the father of Mariah Yeater’s child. And while talk-show host Maury Povich eagerly hopes to lure the pop sensation on to his plan to share the earth-breaking results, there’s really a snowball’s opportunity in hell that will ever happen.
Speaking to the Huffington Post, a spokesman for the Maury show discussed that those involved with the popular daytime TV series have been “actively pursuing” Bieber. And by actively pursuing, we imagine they’ve been throwing wads of cash in front of his face, getting down on their knees, and begging like a 9-year-old boy who desperately wants a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas.
Needless to say, Bieber has yet to accept the offer. In fact, no one from the pop singer’s camp has even commented on the story. Of course, that didn’t stop a former executive producer of the show from talking about how fantastically amazing the completely improbable event would perform out, if we lived in an different reality.
Amy Rosenblum explained the obvious to HuffPo: “This would be a huge TV event,” she said. “Maury is trusted by millions of viewers and if Maury told Justin ‘You are not the father,’ everyone would believe it.”
We imagine it playing out like the scene where Darth Vader announces he’s Luke’s father — except, only with less dramatic music, and on live TV.
But here’s the thing: Bieber will not go on Maury. It doesn’t matter that the show has become associated with paternal tests in latest years. The pop star won’t connect himself with a Jerry Springer knock-off series. Lest we forget, this is a program that once invited a woman to discuss the rewards of smelling your loved one’s genitals to make sure he/she hasn’t cheated on you. It’s hardly an outlet for the second highest-paid celeb under 30.
That said, in the utterly unlikely event that Maury succeeds in his Jedi mind tricks and gets Bieber to appear on his show, we imagine it’ll play out something like this: